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 by: Kevin B. Burk

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk

One of the most valuable life skills we can learn is how to meet our safety needs. We are responsible for maintaining the minimum balance in our safety accounts. When we learn to meet our own safety needs, every area of our lives including our relationships improves dramatically. Meeting our own safety needs is relatively simple. Meeting other people s safety needs, however, is a bit more complicated.

MEETING OUR OWN SAFETY NEEDS

When we realize that we feel unsafe or that our fight-or-flight response is active, the first thing we must do is evaluate if we are actually in a dangerous or threatening situation. If we feel unsafe walking through a deserted parking lot in the middle of the night, we should certainly honor that feeling and stay on our guard! When used correctly, the fight-or-flight response is designed to save our lives. We simply need to learn how to weed out the false alarms. If we feel unsafe and there is no reasonable threat to our life or limb, then our fight-or-flight response was activated by our egos, and we can safely disengage it.

The most common reason that we feel unsafe is that we are projecting our attention into the future or the past. Our power only exists in the present; when we worry about the past or the future, we give away our power and feel unsafe. The Present Moment Safety Exercise on the following page can help to return our awareness to the present moment, and bring the balance in our master safety account back to its minimum level.

Often, in order to feel safe enough to even do this exercise, we need to create some space. If we re feeling unsafe in a discussion or an argument, we may need to simply walk away to take a few moments to let our tempers cool. Even though our partner in the discussion may not pose an actual physical threat to us, if we re experiencing boundary violations in the discussion, we will need to reinforce our boundaries and reclaim our space before we can address our safety needs.

PRESENT MOMENT SAFETY EXERCISE

Stop whatever it is that you are doing and take a few deep, cleansing breaths.

If possible, find somewhere to sit or lie down, and then let yourself feel supported by the chair, floor, bed or sofa.

As you become aware of your body, and aware of your breathing, feel your mind begin to quiet.

Gently release your attachments to any thoughts and simply observe any activity of your mind.

Softly draw your awareness back to the present moment. The more we worry about the past or the future, the more unsafe we feel. The only place we have any power is in the present moment.

Experience the truth that in the present moment you are safe. The past has already happened, and the future does not exist yet. Remember that we create our futures through our choices.

Take a moment to feel the truth that in the present moment in this moment, and in every moment you are supported, safe and nurtured. Because you are an individualized aspect of All That Is, your needs are automatically met.

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Let your awareness rest on your breath. Let your mind quiet. And for a few moments, simply be. Simply experience what it feels like to be completely safe, completely supported.

You can now consider your current situation from this place of safety, support, and power. You can evaluate your options objectively. You are free to make the most elegant choices available to you. You choose, knowing that your choices create your reality. You choose to experience the truth that you are fully supported in this moment and in the next. And these choices create a present and a future where your needs continue to be met easily and effortlessly.

MEETING OTHER PEOPLE S SAFETY NEEDS

Meeting other people s safety needs is often a tricky proposition. In our intimate relationships, it s appropriate for us to explore emotional connections with our partners. We can look for ways to nurture and protect our partners, and expect our partners to nurture and protect us. It s rarely appropriate to do this in professional or casual relationships, however. Unless we share an intimate personal connection with someone, it s difficult to meet his or her safety needs directly. The most we can do is to avoid making them feel unsafe. We do this by respecting their boundaries.

Other people s boundaries are not always easy to recognize, however. Sometimes the only way we can recognize a boundary is by inadvertently crossing it and making our partner feel unsafe. Often, our partners didn t even realize that they had this particular boundary until we crossed it. Once we ve become aware of the boundary, however, we can own it. We can step back, and take responsibility for crossing the boundary. And we can choose to respect that boundary from this point on. We are now both aware of this particular boundary, but more importantly, we are both aware that the boundary will be respected. The boundary is now stronger, and our partner is now able to feel more safe. So how can you tell if you ve crossed a boundary that not even your partner knew existed in the first place? Body language is the best indication that you may have stepped over a line and made someone feel unsafe. When we feel unsafe, we adjust our bodies to protect ourselves. We may:

• Cross our arms in front of our chests.
• Lean forward and drop our heads (breaking eye contact).
• Round our shoulders (expressing the desire to curl up into a ball to protect ourselves).
• Clench our teeth and tighten our jaw.
• Stop responding to our partner and disengage from the conversation.
• Change our tone of voice and become more defensive.
• Raise our voices.

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• Speak more emphatically.

If you notice any of these behaviors in your partner, you have crossed a line and made your partner feel unsafe. And if you notice any of these behaviors in yourself, then you re feeling unsafe because your partner has crossed one of your boundaries.

In any event, whether you re feeling unsafe or you ve made your partner feel unsafe, what you need to create is some space to defuse the threat.

• If it s possible and appropriate to move away from your partner by taking a step back, or moving your chair.
• Change your body position so that you re leaning away from your partner.
• Take a few deep breaths, and return your awareness to the present moment.
• Check your voice and body language. (The louder and more rapidly we speak, the more aggressive we appear.)
• Slow down, and shift your body into a neutral and receptive posture.

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• Uncross your arms and leave the front of your body open and unprotected. (This makes you vulnerable and demonstrates that you are not a threat.)

If you ve made someone feel unsafe through your choice of words or subject matter, it s important that you not pursue that particular subject. If appropriate, you can acknowledge that you may have inadvertently become too personal, and apologize. Remember, when we recognize and take responsibility for crossing a boundary, we make our partners feel safe.

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 by: Susan Dunn, MA

Halloween is an exciting night for children and a busy time for their parents. With such excitement, it s easy for children to forget basic safety rules.

When emotions are running high, it s a good time to remember to use your head. Plan ahead and plan to have a safe Halloween. Raise safety awareness with your family before the festivities begin. We do the right thing, but we don t always explain it to children. As you place a saucer under each tea light, or stop, look and listen at street corners and in parking lots, tell your child why. They don t always connect the dots unless you point it out.

Here are some Halloween Safety Tips to keep in mind:

1. Stay sober and alert.

It s amazing how many family Halloween celebrations involve adults drinking. It s impossible to monitor children s safety or your own when you ve had too much to drink, so don t.

2. Avoid cuts and burns when decorating.

Carving the pumpkin, placing luminaria in the driveway, and hanging spooky skeletons all present opportunities for injury. If you re decorating with candles, observe fires safety. Have a good fire extinguisher handy and make sure everyone knows where it is.

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3. Observe ladder safety regulations.

According to the NASD, accidents involving ladders cause an estimated 300 death a year in the US, and 130,000 injuries requiring medical attention. Review ladder safety rules and observe them.

4. Make sure treats aren t tricks.

Many people these days choose to go to fairs or private parties instead of trick or treating for safety reasons. If your child is going trick or treating, go with them. Make it a rule that nothing is to be eaten until it s first been inspected by you.

5. Caution your child about strangers and dogs.

Keep your children with you and remind them to avoid people and dogs they don t know. Many people are taking their dog companions out in costume these days, and even the most gentle of family pets can do something unexpected with all the excitement.

6. Accidental falls is the number one cause of injuries on Halloween night (National Safety Council).

Choose your child s costume with this in mind. Hem up the hemlines. If you choose a mask, choose one that doesn t obstruct sight. Stay sober and observe safety rules when decorating.

7. Four times more children are killed in pedestrian/automobile accidents on Halloween night than on any other night of the year.

The CDC suggests these factors make it a high risk: short stature, inability to react quickly enough to avoid a car or evaluate a potential traffic threat, lack of impulse control, and all the exciting distractions.

8. The holiday syndrome.

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The excitement, more candy, more parties, less sleep, less nutritious food, and getting off schedule all mean less attentiveness and also possibly illness. Keep routines as normal as you can.

9. Choose safe and sensible costumes.

Choose fire retardant costumes that allow children free movement and good visibility. Be careful about accessories. Even toy knives and swords can cause harm. Give each child a flashlight.

10. Set a good example.

Show that you care about safety and make it a top priority.

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 by: Freda J. Glatt, MS

With this severe, active, hurricane season underway, here are some ideas to make areas of the curriculum relevant to your children. There are also suggestions for dealing with the aftermath of a catastrophic hurricane. If you are in an area that experiences other natural phenomena, just adapt these suggestions to fit your needs.

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1. Have children express their feelings. Youngsters will be able to draw pictures and dictate sentences, while older children will be able to illustrate their own stories. With everyone participating, this will draw out your shy, timid children who may not want to take part in a verbal discussion.

2. Make a bound book of the class experiences and keep it in the class library. Perhaps you can have students rent it for a night to share with their families.

3. If you do not have Pen Pals, why not try to find a class in another part of the country or world that has not experienced a hurricane. Your pupils will then become teachers as they explain what happened.

4. Instead of writing, your class could make a cassette or videotape. If sending it to Pen Pals, make sure you check on the privacy policies in your school.

5. Use children s experiences to have lessons on adjectives, adverbs, similes, and onomatopoeia.

6. Answer who, what, where, when, why, and how as you write the opening paragraph of a story. Do it on the overhead projector and obtain input from class members.

7. This would be a good time to teach specificity and the Voice Writing Trait. Compare these two stories and tell which is more specific and exciting: a. Yesterday, a hurricane came to my city and caused a lot of damage. I was scared because it was loud and the water was high. b. On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina roared into New Orleans like a lion. I felt terrified as I heard the howling wind and crashing surf; but I was petrified when the water kept rising and I had to climb through my roof to be safe. When I got up there, all I could see was water, water everywhere and rooftops of houses.

8. Have a unit on the Five Senses of Hurricane ___. Can you smell the sweat? Do you feel hot and sticky? Have each child make his own booklet.

9. Reinforce map skills as you track a hurricane. What better way to relate latitude and longitude?! Get to know those terms for your own city. Looking at the map s key, older children will be able to estimate how far away a hurricane is from a specific place.

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10. Delve into the causes of hurricanes. Make a list of the strongest ever recorded and include their data. This will reinforce research skills and graph-making.

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11. Tally how many hurricanes have occurred each year since 1960. Circle the major ones. Is there a pattern?

12. Teachers and parents, alike, will need to remember that there may be extreme anxiety during any rainstorm. If the power is still on, try to stand close to a person who has been through a horrible ordeal. Give a pat on the back or a hug, along with a reassuring word. On the other hand, if power goes out, have a flashlight handy and play games with it (follow the direction of light; spotlight a child and have him recite a poem, sing a song, or perform a silly antic). Have children all hold hands to know they are not alone. If children are old enough, keep your lessons going without reading; much can be accomplished orally! Do whatever you can to allay children’s fears.

I hope these ideas are useful and have inspired your own creative thinking.

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