Tuesday, February 27th 2007
Dating: The Bitter Truth
posted @ 1:03 pm in [ General ]
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I don t know about you, but when someone says to me, I m going to be brutally frank with you, I usually say, No, you re not, and walk away.
It s a common misconception that telling someone your version of the truth is helpful to them, and evidence of virtue in you.
Actually it often amounts to a projection or rationalization that harms, serving your purpose and not the other s.
There are professions where delivering bad news is what they do. Physicians, psychologists, and managers routinely must tell people they have stage four cancer, or are mentally ill, or are going to be fired. It s their job.
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Teachers and parents are also required to instruct children about behavior, manners, appearance and character.
However, this does not carry over to the private lives and relationships of adults.
Dating involves the risk of rejection. Typically it involves ambivalence. We start out testing at every turn who the person is, what it s like to be with them, and how good the fit is. It provides many opportunities for kindness or meanness, many opportunities for you to be at your best, or at your worst.
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Discretion is the better part of valor, said Shakespeare . This means be brave but also sensible. Be courageous, not reckless; authentic but also sensitive.
If you have a criticism to make of someone you re dating, use your EQ. Think it over carefully before you speak. Be especially careful in intimate moments when the chemicals are dreamy and inhibitions are down. You can blurt out something you may regret at a time when they re wide open.
Ask yourself these questions:
Is it projection something you ve got yourself that you re passing over to the other? Is it really your temper you re concerned about and not theirs?
Will what you have to say cause more harm than good?
Is it something the other person can do something about? (I can lose 20 lbs., but I can t become 10 years younger.)
Is it more important to you to be right than in relationship?
Are you observing sloppy boundaries, dragging your last lover or partner into this new relationship and comparing?
Is it really a control issue?
Is there a better time and place to say this, or a better way to address it entirely?
Might it naturally take care of itself?
Are you emotionally unavailable, destined to find fault with everyone?
Are you coming from your ego, or from your heart?
Consider also the circumstances, patterns and the likelihood of something recurring. In other words the plain-out appropriateness of what you re thinking of saying.
For instance, you re on your third date, he s taken you dancing, he s sweating like a stuck pig and smells bad. Yes, you could tell him. On the other hand, you re in an open-air dance hall, it s 90 degrees on the dance floor, they ve been playing nothing but polkas for 30 minutes, and there s nothing he can do about it at that moment. Wouldn t the kindest thing be to ignore it?
You will either (1) never see him again, or (2) be around him next time you re getting ready to go out and can suggest a bit more deodorant. Remember how hot it was last time we were dancing? say you. Don t forget the deodorant, darling.
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Or you ve had a couple of dates with a woman you thought you were in love with and have suddenly decided she s too fat and you re going to tell her because it s about her health. Have you measured her body fat ratio? Who put you in charge of her body and her health? Aren t there really other things you dislike and you ve just rationalized an easy way out? Or is this a test you re not mindful of to see how much control you ll be able to have over her in the future? If you do this for a living, get off the time clock. If you re practicing medicine without a license, stop.
THE MALE SIDE
If you re a guy, think it over especially carefully. Typically men take longer to process emotions and can take hours to figure out what they were feeling at the time, author of What Could He Be Thinking? When the thought I can t stand her crooked teeth pops into your mind, let it stay right where it is. It could be indigestion.
There s also that honor code thing. You know it s gotten you in trouble in the past. Why do you keep doing it? That s not smart.
If she asks you if those pants make her butt look fat, tell her she s beautiful and you love her. That s not a lie; it s answering the question she s really asking. You re big enough to do that, aren t you, to put her feelings above your logical assessment of what you consider to be a factual matter? You aren t after all, the World Authority on Pants That Make Women s Butts Look Fat.
THE FEMALE SIDE
If you re a woman, beat the mothering out of yourself and censor your criticisms. He s not your kid, he s a grown male. If you have a list of 25 grooming and dressing aids he needs to adopt, and it s growing, STOP. If there s that much wrong with him, just leave. If you re preparing to remake him to fit your mold, I hope he leaves you.
If every encounter involves something he s said or done wrong, get your boundaries back. Are you a miserable person who s assuming he s going to make you happy so he must say exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you want it? Catching him doing it right and reinforcing this behavior works a lot better than nagging.
IS IT GOOD ENOUGH OR IS IT OVER?
Finding a partner means dating imperfect people, just like yourself. Be after good enough, not perfect. At no stage in the relationship is the other person yours to redo,
When you know this isn t the person for you, exit gracefully. There s no reason to leave mass destruction behind when you do. After all, it s over, so there s no need to go into a litany of things you found wrong with him, nor, for that matter, the things you found right.
If you cared enough about the person to get involved with them in the first place, there were plenty of things about them you did like. Saying, I d still like us to be friends, doesn t help. Saying, But you like to sleep til noon and I like to get up at 6:00 a.m. doesn t quite cover it. Airing your list of grievances is like rubbing salt into the wound, but at this point, so is airing your list of affirmations.
And, yes, we don t have to believe or accept what other people say about us, but we don t have to hear it, either, if you practice discretion.
Remember what you once felt, or your compassion for people in general, and pray for something to say that s kind and respectful and will preserve the dignity of both of you. Then bless the relationship, let it go, and leave the brutal honesty for brutes.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Survival for Women, available at http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.
I train and certify EQ coaches. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Start immediately.
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Saturday, February 17th 2007
Children, Entitlement and God
posted @ 1:01 pm in [ General ]
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Children, Entitlement and God
by: Erika Chopich, Ph.D.
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Setting the alarm on Sunday mornings is inhuman ..God should know that! Those were my adolescent thoughts every weekend when my parents forced me to church. I can get more out of my headphones and the Beatles. It was this way as far back as I can remember. Early Sunday school, then later Bible studies, liturgies in another language, all culminating in a weekly teen rebellion against God and my parents. I really hated my parents (especially my Mother) for forcing religion on me. Besides, I don t think the Smothers Brothers forced their kids, and they are political giants! I would brood the entire hour s drive to church just to make my parents as miserable as I felt. It never changed in all those years.
I look back thirty-five years to those times now and bless my parents in every prayer I pray for the gift they gave me. I no longer practice their religion, but I live with every pore in my body believing in something greater than myself. My faith is as easy as a breath in, and during times of great challenge, I don t have to search for God or strength. Everything I need is already there and will always be.
I have seen my peers dedicate themselves to never raising a child that way. I will never force my child into religion the way my parents did, became a mantra. I will wait until they are old enough and let them choose for themselves. Those choices, along with the feel good experiments of the seventies, have been a dismal failure. The result is an ever increasing growth of what I call entitlement fixated people. It is so pervasive that, had I the power, I would make it a new personality disorder designation.
When children are raised to never know failure, they can t savior the delicacy of success nor can they appreciate the hunger that second place instills. If they don t learn that we must, at times, do things we abhor for a greater good, they don t learn self-discipline. If we don t instill empathy early on, they don t ever know the complete joy in giving. And if we neglect their spiritual natures, they may never truly trust God.
I see behind me a generation largely of lost souls looking for God under every rock and crystal believing they are so special that all of life s challenges are someone else s fault and someone else s duty to resolve. They are spoiled, arrogant and have no sense of healthy boundaries or respectfulness. How can they when they themselves have replaced God as the center of all worlds? This is the legacy we have given them. We have absolved them of all failures, and endowed them with unlimited special ness and therefore, tragically, they cannot arrive at the simple truth that there is something greater than themselves.
My early spiritual training was a little rough around the edges . Yet, at least there was something there - something to offer me a foundation on which to build my spiritual life. I was given s sense of divinity and an eye for all things sacred. I am not the center, but rather, a necessary part of a great whole. My participation in goodness and love and acting on what is right furthers my sense of self and God more than all the awards, accolades and accomplishments I could ever accumulate in a lifetime.
Those who are entitlement fixated are trapped in lonely, fearful, winning-is-everything world. Their sense of self is so exaggerated that true intimacy and love are replaced by control and manipulation. I can t even imagine the aloneness of a self only existence. Arrogance replaces confidence and expectations replace caring. All sense of community is buried in an extreme need for gratification that can never be satisfied for more than a few fleeting moments. And, this personality can be either flagrantly overt, or seductively, manipulatively, covert. But the goal is always the same: to fulfill the needs of the self, first and always. This differs from narcissism in that all empathic responses and attempts at spiritual connection are based on an outcome, rather than an open heart. A true narcissist is capable of empathy and connection so long as they are not momentarily threatened. A person with entitlement fixation doesn t ever experience the feelings though they will often vehemently deny this.
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I feel tremendous compassion for the entitlement-fixated souls on our world. They must be among the loneliest and the most unsure. I have given great thought to the antidote for this affliction and I believe that the answer lies partly in one simple concept: humility.
Humility is a forgotten lesson. We have confused humility with humiliation and have fought hard to protect our young from its pain. Humility is the concept Mother Theresa tried to convey when she said, I am just God s little pencil. It is an exquisite feeling of surrender and openness all in one glorious, spiritual moment. I am humbled when enveloped in a magenta sunset, or when caught in seizures of belly laughs. I feel humbled by the unswerving loyalty and joyous antics of my dogs. I am humbled by the amount of overwhelming talent in my small town and in the awesome devotion of all the volunteers to service I meet. I live my life in an unassuming, understated kind of way. I am inspired by the vastness and intimate knowledge of all things greater than I, yet I am confident and competent in meeting the challenges of my life.
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Children need to know that the knowledge gained in failure can outweigh the feelings of being first. There can be true rejoicing in another s success. Being a part of something greater is better than being noticed. Giving is it s own peace. God is not a concept, but a sense that needs to be nurtured and developed before it can be experienced. It is our humility that allows us to be happy for others and foster their highest good. My parents were clumsy, at times, in their lessons and they didn t dote on me. Instead, they gave me something I can cherish.
Don t neglect your child s spiritual development. Any foundation is better than none. The lessons of self-discipline, humility, community, and God are all worth any resistance you may encounter. This is our job as parents and role models. This legacy is our best.
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About The Author
Erika J. Chopich, Ph.D.is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process and the best-selling co-author of “Healing Your Aloneness and The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:erika@innerbonding.com
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Tuesday, February 13th 2007
Getting Kids Involved In Garage/Yard Sales
posted @ 1:00 pm in [ General ]
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Spring is coming and now is the time to make preparations for having a yard or garage sale. And, yes this includes the kids too.
For me spring always meant upcoming garage/yards sales to go to with my mom; but more importantly, those garage/yard sales I had with my mom. From these early experiences, I learned many valuable lessons that I use to this day. These include the necessity of de-cluttering, finance, how to make change, how to price an item, how to organize and display items, and customer service. Thanks to my mom s help, I was able to engage in an entrepreneurial endeavor at the tender age of eight. I have fond memories of my many mini-business endeavors and feel that these ventures contributed to my desire and successes in owning my own business now. Here are some pointers to get your child involved in having a garage or yard sale of his or her own when you have one.
For Children 8 and above:
Gather Goods to Sell
Have your children go through their items to determine what they are ready to sell, part with, or outgrown. You as a parent have veto power, but quite often children will not even think of parting with something they still use. As a matter of fact you may have to assist them in this step since it is likely they will want to keep just about everything they own. Be ready to ask them these questions: When was the last time the item was played with or used?
1)Why do they wish to keep it?
2)What does it mean to them?
Having children answer these questions helps them to determine what items they wish to keep and those that have little value or use to them. This step teaches children the importance of letting go of stuff they won t use again and really don t value. Having children de-clutter their lives this way is a valuable skill that will serve them well throughout life and keep them from falling into the packrat trap.
Prepare Goods for Sale
Have children prepare items for sale by cleaning dirty items and boxing items into separate boxes labeled (Name) s Garage Sale Items. This way, when it is time to set up for the big garage sale day, your children will be able to find their stock easily.
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Assist your child with pricing the items to sell. Go through each item one-by-one and ask your child the following questions to help them determine an acceptable price.
1)How much do you think this is worth?
2)How did you determine that price?
3)Do you think someone will pay your price for this item?
4)Should we ask ____ amount for this?
By asking your child these questions, it helps them to critically think about the value of items and their worth. By making pricing suggestions, it assists them with setting realistic prices. This step helps children learn the relative value or worth of items and gets them to think about how much the buying public would pay. Asking the question, Should we ask ____ amount for this? is a way of helping your child set a realistic price for the item.
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Preparing for the Grand Opening
Set up an individual table for each child next to where you will be collecting money from customers. This way you can monitor and assist each child with customer transactions if need be and protect them from unscrupulous buyers.
Have children set up their displays themselves. By completing this step, with your help and suggestions, children learn how to display items in a visually pleasing way that will attract customers.
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Day of the Grand Opening
Provide each child with a change apron (available at most dollar stores) and with a small amount of change such as 2 $1.00 bills, 6 quarters, 10 dimes, and 10 nickels; i.e., $5.00 in change. This way they can collect payment for their items and if necessary, make change for customers. Children are able to reinforce their counting skills and learn how to interact with customers. Most importantly, allow your children to keep the proceeds from their sale, having them put half of the profits into their savings accounts. When children are allowed to keep the proceeds from the sale of their items, they are eager participants.
For Children 7 and Below:
Younger children who also wish to participate in the garage sale can by selling sodas. Set up a small table with a cooler full of various cans of sodas and ice. Place a simple Soda for Sale sign on the front of the table. Allow your younger children to sell sodas, helping them with change counting or selling as needed. This way, they still get the experience and knowledge gained by running their own small business.
As a child I truly enjoyed having my own garage sale and making money in the process. These small business ventures taught me what went into running a small business from the selection of goods to be sold to the final transaction with the customer. These life skills teach children the basics of money and customer service: skills that are sure to come in handy throughout their lives.
About the Author
Jona is an instructional designer, web and graphic designer, and technical and business writer. When she isn t working on client projects, she can be found updating her personal project, www.simpleandfrugal.com, a website dedicated to those seeking to simplify their lives. Jona has practiced simple living/voluntary simplicity for over 10 years and is available for speaking engagements. She can be contacted at simplefrugal@fuse.net.
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Saturday, February 3rd 2007
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